JUNK: The Rock

Dwayne Johnson AKA The Rock
Birthday: May 2, 1972
Nationality: American (California)
Occupation: WWE Wrestler and Actor
Best Known For: His wrestling persona, The Rock; Joe Kingman (The Gameplan);  Jack Bruno (The Race to Witch Mountain); Derek Thompson/ The Toothfairy (Tooth Fairy)

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is a junk for so many reasons.

The first is the most obvious. He has spent the majority of his career as a WWE ‘pro’ wrestler. Which is probably one of the single most unattractive professions a man could have. Wearing a Speedo, greasing yourself up and slipping around on top of another, equally-as-ugly man is not sexy at all. Plus, we all know that crap is fake. WWE wrestlers are pretty much steroid addicts who take their  increased rage out on each other through meaningless, lame threats.

After his success on the WWE circuit, The Rock decided to try acting. Unfortunately he can’t act. Which actually explains why he’s gone from The Rock to The Tooth Fairy. Only children would buy that crap. The rest of us just see an over-greased, over-muscled steroid bottle with no acting skills.

OK, to be fair he’s never been proven to have taken steroids. But, c’mon. We all can easily figure out what happens in the backrooms of those WWE stages. They don’t really have to be physically fit, they just have to look the part. And ‘roids are their quickest route.

Last, but certainly not least, The Rock just is not attractive. He’s got a strangely shaped head and those gross muscles ontop of his shoulders that make him look like he’s got no neck. Even that suit couldn’t improve him. Plus, he’s always doing that stupid one eyebrow raise that plagued anyone who lived through the 1990′s. EVERY guy wanted to do that. And thought we all wanted to see him do it. It’s just stupid and annoying.

So, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, congrats. You’ve officially been JUNK’d. Don’t bother trying to tell us about how you’re gonna lay the smack down on us or whatever, we can see through that crap and we are not amused.

HUNK: Kellan Lutz

Kellan Lutz
Birthday: March 15, 1985
Nationality: American (North Dakota)
Occupation: Actor
Best Known For: Role of Emmett Cullen (The Twilight Saga).

Kellan Lutz is one of the fresh new faces introduced to us by The Twilight Saga. Lutz plays vegetarian vampire Emmett Cullen, the fun-loving older brother of Edward Cullen (played by the amazing Robert Pattinson).  His lovable, fun character combined with his sweet smile and clothes-melting stare, set us off on finding out more about this sexy guy.

And we weren’t disappointed with what we found. To begin with, this guy has got an AMAZING body. Muscular, but not steroid-ridden; thin, but not stickly. Don’t believe us? Check out this photo from his interview with Interview Magazine. Yeah, we know. Wipe the drool off your face, there’s more we have to cover.

On top of that great body, Lutz seems to have a personality to match. His Twitter bio says: “My mission on Twitter is to spread awareness concerning the indigenous charities I care deeply for in hopes of gaining your love and support.” How sweet is that? He cares about more than just himself, and that is something that seems to be really lacking in Hollywood these days.

Lutz has also been featured in PeTA ads, with his dog Kola, advocating the adoption of pets over buying them. He actually owns two dogs that were strays. He and Kola have also been featured in Doggie Aficionado, and he regularly donates to animal charities. No fancy chihuahuas in a tote bag for this guy!

All of Lutz’ charity work seems to reflect his down-to-earth personality. His warm smile obviously reflects a warm, caring soul. Besides, what could be cuter than a hot guy with a dog? Maybe if he were with puppies…but I’m sure we could work on that.

The sugar on top of this sweetheart? He’s a Midwestern boy! Being from Michigan, we have to support that.

Oh, and in case you weren’t quite convinced on Kellan Lutz’ hunkiness, check out this video of him on The Ellen DeGeneres Show (the last minute or so is where the highlight is) :

So, congrats, Kellan, you’ve been officially hunk’d. Now, if you and your dogs want someplace to do some shirtless push-ups, let us know. We’re pretty sure we can find a spot for you in our apartment.

JUNK: Hanson

Hanson
Occupation: Musicians, boy band
Best Known For: 1997 hit ‘MmmBop’

Sticking with the 90′s boy band theme, we give you the JUNKs of the 90′s: Hanson.

This one-hit wonder boy band sported long hair and girlish voices back then.  Trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, we looked them up now. And they are just as hideous as they were back then. Besides getting really crappy haircuts, they have also made new music. But we haven’t heard any of it. Slightly better than ‘MmmBop,’ but not by much at all. They retained their general girlishness.

In hindsight, we do not understand why ‘MmmBop’ got the attention it did. Or why no one thought these pre-cursors to the Jonas Brothers went with the greasy, hippie-gone-lame look. We also don’t understand why they are still trying. There is only room for one creepy all-brother band in America, and the JoBros have that on lockdown.

So, Hanson, get better haircuts and cut the falsetto crap. You’re officially JUNK’d.

HUNK: Backstreet Boys

Backstreet Boys
Occupation(s): Musicians, boy band
Best Known For: One of the highest grossing pop acts of the 1990′s

Yeah, we’re doing it 90′s style this week. So we’re going with the ultimate 90′s HUNKs: the Backstreet Boys.

So technically the Backstreet Boys are a group, but since they are all HUNKs in their own right, we’re hunking them all at once.

Nick Carter, easily the most popular BSB member, is the star of every 90′s girls’ dreams. With his blond hair, blue eyes and baby-faced charm, it is even easier to see why. He is adorable, to say the least and fits the classic ‘heartthrob’ mold for boy bands. Since the Backstreet Boys’ height of popularity, Nick has been chastised for gaining a bit of weight. But we (by ‘we,’ we mean Kryzta) like a little chubbiness, I think it only adds to his irresistible charm!

Brian Littrell is the voice you hear the most. And that voice could melt the sun. To top that, he is the band’s sweetheart. With a voice, face and personality like that who couldn’t love him?

AJ McLean is the bad boy. And we all know everyone loves a bad boy. Sure, he has struggled with drugs and alcohol, but he has also come clean about it. Which means he is bad, but not too bad. What does that mean? He’s totally accessible. And a total HUNK.

Howie Dorough inserts Latin flavor into the group. Though at first glance, he may look like he is lowest on the BSB-totem pole. But you watch the video for ‘Quit Playin’ Games (With My Heart)’. Not only is it a visual treat in general, but at 3:44 you get an exceptional treat. A wet, shirtless, sexy body roll, courtesy of Howie D.

Kevin Richardson was the reason our mothers encouraged us to listen to the Backstreet Boys. His classic, older look brought the cougars out to play. He gets a frown for quitting BSB recently, but he has a family to take care of. And we can respect a family man for sure.

This 5-fecta of HUNK blew our minds in the 90′s and continue to rock us today. We are just as excited to see them in concert as we were at 13. So, Backstreet Boys, to thank-you for getting our blood boiling for both our pubescent and adult lives, we only have one gift: You have officially been HUNK’d. See you this summer!

JUNK: Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps
Birthday: June 30, 1985
Nationality: American
Occupation: Athlete (Swimmer)
Best Known For: Olympic Swimmer, won most gold medals of any Olympic athlete (14)

Michael Phelps is our latest JUNK for so many reasons. The list is actually pretty extensive. So we’re just going to focus on some basics.

First of all, Michael Phelps is ugly. Despite being in very good shape, he is, sadly, a butter face. The big ears- caveman brow- egg head- constant look of vacancy thing just isn’t working for us. Even in a suit, he cannot be helped. And suits can makes the worst of men shine.

Secondly, Michael Phelps is (or he seems to be) an idiot. The Rosetta Stone and Subway commercials he stars in proves this to us. He talks like he has been beat with a baseball bat just beforehand (which may actually explain his poor looks).

On top of being slightly moronic, Michael Phelps is also a reputed jerk. Whilst attending the University of Michigan, he often wore his gold medals out to parties and bars, in an attempt to pick up chicks. Very lame, Phelps, very lame.

The stuffing in this Speedo? Michael Phelps was caught smoking marijuana. Definitely not attractive. What girl wants a munchie-head former athlete? The combo, we predict, will make one plump, pompous Phelps when the Olympic pools dry up for him.

Michael Phelps, you are one huge JUNK.

HUNK: David Beckham

David Beckham
Birthday: May 2, 1975
Nationality: British
Occupation: Athlete (Soccer Player)
Best Known For: Superstar midfielder, formerly for Manchester United

After a short spring break, we are back with another delicious HUNK for you. And we are not here to disappoint. We bring you the always sexy David Beckham.

David Beckham’s claim-to-fame comes from his athleticism. David is a world-class soccer player, who began his career with Manchester United (for you un-savvy American folks, ManU is one of the most popular, top-rated teams in the English Premier League football club).

Being a world class athlete gives David a world-class body. And we love his world-class body. This 34-year-old HUNK is perfectly muscled-up.

Becks, as he is referred to across the pond, is so hot that he landed Posh Spice. And we all know from our 90′s experience that Posh doesn’t take anything less than perfect.

David isn’t a HUNK just for his looks, however. He is a HUNK because he is a family-man, too. He and his wife have been married since 1998 and have three children together. By our count, that makes more than 10 years of marriage. Which is pretty much a lifetime in celeb-land. Obviously this guy has got more than looks to his name, he has got heart.

The icing on the crumpet? Becks is a Brit! That is right! He is British!

So thank-you, David Beckham for giving us to cheer for on the soccer field. And thank-you Posh Spice, for loaning your eye-candy out to the world. Congrats, Posh, you officially have a HUNK on your hands!

JUNK: Bruce Jenner

Bruce Jenner
Birthday: October 28, 1949
Nationality: American
Occupation: Athlete, TV Personality, Motivational Speaker
Best Known For: Reality television series, Keeping up with the Kardashians

We will never be able to express how much of a JUNK Bruce Jenner is. Not only is he a real-life Frankenstein, but he is also the Kardashians’ official bitch.

Yeah, if the Kardashians read this they’d say, ‘we are a family, we love each other, we love Bruce!’ But that is crap. Bruce lets them walk all over them. He pays their bills and tries to hide away from them as much as possible, as seen on Keeping up with the Kardashians! Though, we can’t blame him. We’d hide away from them too if we were him.

And his Franken-face! He has publicly admitted having two face lifts. However, we’re not sure we buy that. One (or both) of them had to have been horribly botched. But we have a sneaking feeling that it may take more than one or two crappy face lifts to give anyone that terrible of a face.

And yes, we know that he is an Olympic athlete. But according to his Website, he is the “world’s greatest athlete.” And again, we have to question this. Especially because no one even remembers this.

Bruce Jenner, you are an official JUNK. Please crawl under a rock and take the Kardashians with you.