JUNK: The Rock

Dwayne Johnson AKA The Rock
Birthday: May 2, 1972
Nationality: American (California)
Occupation: WWE Wrestler and Actor
Best Known For: His wrestling persona, The Rock; Joe Kingman (The Gameplan);  Jack Bruno (The Race to Witch Mountain); Derek Thompson/ The Toothfairy (Tooth Fairy)

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is a junk for so many reasons.

The first is the most obvious. He has spent the majority of his career as a WWE ‘pro’ wrestler. Which is probably one of the single most unattractive professions a man could have. Wearing a Speedo, greasing yourself up and slipping around on top of another, equally-as-ugly man is not sexy at all. Plus, we all know that crap is fake. WWE wrestlers are pretty much steroid addicts who take their  increased rage out on each other through meaningless, lame threats.

After his success on the WWE circuit, The Rock decided to try acting. Unfortunately he can’t act. Which actually explains why he’s gone from The Rock to The Tooth Fairy. Only children would buy that crap. The rest of us just see an over-greased, over-muscled steroid bottle with no acting skills.

OK, to be fair he’s never been proven to have taken steroids. But, c’mon. We all can easily figure out what happens in the backrooms of those WWE stages. They don’t really have to be physically fit, they just have to look the part. And ‘roids are their quickest route.

Last, but certainly not least, The Rock just is not attractive. He’s got a strangely shaped head and those gross muscles ontop of his shoulders that make him look like he’s got no neck. Even that suit couldn’t improve him. Plus, he’s always doing that stupid one eyebrow raise that plagued anyone who lived through the 1990’s. EVERY guy wanted to do that. And thought we all wanted to see him do it. It’s just stupid and annoying.

So, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, congrats. You’ve officially been JUNK’d. Don’t bother trying to tell us about how you’re gonna lay the smack down on us or whatever, we can see through that crap and we are not amused.

JUNK: Hanson

Hanson
Occupation: Musicians, boy band
Best Known For: 1997 hit ‘MmmBop’

Sticking with the 90’s boy band theme, we give you the JUNKs of the 90’s: Hanson.

This one-hit wonder boy band sported long hair and girlish voices back then.  Trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, we looked them up now. And they are just as hideous as they were back then. Besides getting really crappy haircuts, they have also made new music. But we haven’t heard any of it. Slightly better than ‘MmmBop,’ but not by much at all. They retained their general girlishness.

In hindsight, we do not understand why ‘MmmBop’ got the attention it did. Or why no one thought these pre-cursors to the Jonas Brothers went with the greasy, hippie-gone-lame look. We also don’t understand why they are still trying. There is only room for one creepy all-brother band in America, and the JoBros have that on lockdown.

So, Hanson, get better haircuts and cut the falsetto crap. You’re officially JUNK’d.

HUNK: Backstreet Boys

Backstreet Boys
Occupation(s): Musicians, boy band
Best Known For: One of the highest grossing pop acts of the 1990’s

Yeah, we’re doing it 90’s style this week. So we’re going with the ultimate 90’s HUNKs: the Backstreet Boys.

So technically the Backstreet Boys are a group, but since they are all HUNKs in their own right, we’re hunking them all at once.

Nick Carter, easily the most popular BSB member, is the star of every 90’s girls’ dreams. With his blond hair, blue eyes and baby-faced charm, it is even easier to see why. He is adorable, to say the least and fits the classic ‘heartthrob’ mold for boy bands. Since the Backstreet Boys’ height of popularity, Nick has been chastised for gaining a bit of weight. But we (by ‘we,’ we mean Kryzta) like a little chubbiness, I think it only adds to his irresistible charm!

Brian Littrell is the voice you hear the most. And that voice could melt the sun. To top that, he is the band’s sweetheart. With a voice, face and personality like that who couldn’t love him?

AJ McLean is the bad boy. And we all know everyone loves a bad boy. Sure, he has struggled with drugs and alcohol, but he has also come clean about it. Which means he is bad, but not too bad. What does that mean? He’s totally accessible. And a total HUNK.

Howie Dorough inserts Latin flavor into the group. Though at first glance, he may look like he is lowest on the BSB-totem pole. But you watch the video for ‘Quit Playin’ Games (With My Heart)’. Not only is it a visual treat in general, but at 3:44 you get an exceptional treat. A wet, shirtless, sexy body roll, courtesy of Howie D.

Kevin Richardson was the reason our mothers encouraged us to listen to the Backstreet Boys. His classic, older look brought the cougars out to play. He gets a frown for quitting BSB recently, but he has a family to take care of. And we can respect a family man for sure.

This 5-fecta of HUNK blew our minds in the 90’s and continue to rock us today. We are just as excited to see them in concert as we were at 13. So, Backstreet Boys, to thank-you for getting our blood boiling for both our pubescent and adult lives, we only have one gift: You have officially been HUNK’d. See you this summer!