JUNK: The Rock

Dwayne Johnson AKA The Rock
Birthday: May 2, 1972
Nationality: American (California)
Occupation: WWE Wrestler and Actor
Best Known For: His wrestling persona, The Rock; Joe Kingman (The Gameplan);  Jack Bruno (The Race to Witch Mountain); Derek Thompson/ The Toothfairy (Tooth Fairy)

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is a junk for so many reasons.

The first is the most obvious. He has spent the majority of his career as a WWE ‘pro’ wrestler. Which is probably one of the single most unattractive professions a man could have. Wearing a Speedo, greasing yourself up and slipping around on top of another, equally-as-ugly man is not sexy at all. Plus, we all know that crap is fake. WWE wrestlers are pretty much steroid addicts who take their  increased rage out on each other through meaningless, lame threats.

After his success on the WWE circuit, The Rock decided to try acting. Unfortunately he can’t act. Which actually explains why he’s gone from The Rock to The Tooth Fairy. Only children would buy that crap. The rest of us just see an over-greased, over-muscled steroid bottle with no acting skills.

OK, to be fair he’s never been proven to have taken steroids. But, c’mon. We all can easily figure out what happens in the backrooms of those WWE stages. They don’t really have to be physically fit, they just have to look the part. And ‘roids are their quickest route.

Last, but certainly not least, The Rock just is not attractive. He’s got a strangely shaped head and those gross muscles ontop of his shoulders that make him look like he’s got no neck. Even that suit couldn’t improve him. Plus, he’s always doing that stupid one eyebrow raise that plagued anyone who lived through the 1990’s. EVERY guy wanted to do that. And thought we all wanted to see him do it. It’s just stupid and annoying.

So, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, congrats. You’ve officially been JUNK’d. Don’t bother trying to tell us about how you’re gonna lay the smack down on us or whatever, we can see through that crap and we are not amused.

JUNK: Hanson

Hanson
Occupation: Musicians, boy band
Best Known For: 1997 hit ‘MmmBop’

Sticking with the 90’s boy band theme, we give you the JUNKs of the 90’s: Hanson.

This one-hit wonder boy band sported long hair and girlish voices back then.  Trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, we looked them up now. And they are just as hideous as they were back then. Besides getting really crappy haircuts, they have also made new music. But we haven’t heard any of it. Slightly better than ‘MmmBop,’ but not by much at all. They retained their general girlishness.

In hindsight, we do not understand why ‘MmmBop’ got the attention it did. Or why no one thought these pre-cursors to the Jonas Brothers went with the greasy, hippie-gone-lame look. We also don’t understand why they are still trying. There is only room for one creepy all-brother band in America, and the JoBros have that on lockdown.

So, Hanson, get better haircuts and cut the falsetto crap. You’re officially JUNK’d.

JUNK: Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps
Birthday: June 30, 1985
Nationality: American
Occupation: Athlete (Swimmer)
Best Known For: Olympic Swimmer, won most gold medals of any Olympic athlete (14)

Michael Phelps is our latest JUNK for so many reasons. The list is actually pretty extensive. So we’re just going to focus on some basics.

First of all, Michael Phelps is ugly. Despite being in very good shape, he is, sadly, a butter face. The big ears- caveman brow- egg head- constant look of vacancy thing just isn’t working for us. Even in a suit, he cannot be helped. And suits can makes the worst of men shine.

Secondly, Michael Phelps is (or he seems to be) an idiot. The Rosetta Stone and Subway commercials he stars in proves this to us. He talks like he has been beat with a baseball bat just beforehand (which may actually explain his poor looks).

On top of being slightly moronic, Michael Phelps is also a reputed jerk. Whilst attending the University of Michigan, he often wore his gold medals out to parties and bars, in an attempt to pick up chicks. Very lame, Phelps, very lame.

The stuffing in this Speedo? Michael Phelps was caught smoking marijuana. Definitely not attractive. What girl wants a munchie-head former athlete? The combo, we predict, will make one plump, pompous Phelps when the Olympic pools dry up for him.

Michael Phelps, you are one huge JUNK.

JUNK: Bruce Jenner

Bruce Jenner
Birthday: October 28, 1949
Nationality: American
Occupation: Athlete, TV Personality, Motivational Speaker
Best Known For: Reality television series, Keeping up with the Kardashians

We will never be able to express how much of a JUNK Bruce Jenner is. Not only is he a real-life Frankenstein, but he is also the Kardashians’ official bitch.

Yeah, if the Kardashians read this they’d say, ‘we are a family, we love each other, we love Bruce!’ But that is crap. Bruce lets them walk all over them. He pays their bills and tries to hide away from them as much as possible, as seen on Keeping up with the Kardashians! Though, we can’t blame him. We’d hide away from them too if we were him.

And his Franken-face! He has publicly admitted having two face lifts. However, we’re not sure we buy that. One (or both) of them had to have been horribly botched. But we have a sneaking feeling that it may take more than one or two crappy face lifts to give anyone that terrible of a face.

And yes, we know that he is an Olympic athlete. But according to his Website, he is the “world’s greatest athlete.” And again, we have to question this. Especially because no one even remembers this.

Bruce Jenner, you are an official JUNK. Please crawl under a rock and take the Kardashians with you.

JUNK: Carrot Top

Scott Thompson (Better known as Carrot Top)
Birthday: February 25, 1965
Nationality: American
Occupation:Comedian
Best Known For: Prop comedy

Carrot Top is actually the definition of JUNK. You don’t get worse than this ugly, insane, not-funny comic.

We don’t even know where to begin. So we will start with his most obvious, and most disgusting trait: His ginger-itis.

Carrot Top is the biggest ginger alive. His hair is aflame with redness and his sickly pale skin is virtually covered in freckles. Which really might be the grossest thing we’ve ever seen. His hair isn’t even just a light red-brown, it’s honestly fire-starting red. This fire-crotch makes us sick to our stomachs.

Physically, Carrot Top is an anomaly. Whether he is pumping steroids or iron, he is ripped. Though that could be a positive attribute on anyone else, for Carrot Top it is not. He looks a lot like Kathy Griffin on steroids. And put her finger in a ginger-infected light socket.

And typically men who are funny are hot. But again, this does not apply to Carrot Top. Mostly because he is really not funny. Nothing he says is funny. Including his super lame prop comedy.

So, Carrot Top we are pleading with you. Disappear. You aren’t even fit for the second-rate reality TV shows you grace once in awhile.

JUNK: Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning
Birthday: March 24, 1976
Nationality: American
Occupation: Athlete (Football)
Best Known For: Super Bowl XLI MVP, Quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts

Peyton Manning is our first JUNK because he just lost the Super Bowl, and we want to rub it in.

But besides that, Peyton Manning is not attractive, has a girls’ name and talks like he never entered a school in his life. Though that could be a result of years and years of getting hit on the football field.

Yes, he is an accomplished football player. But sports accomplishments aren’t everything. Yes, we like a guy who is athletic. But he needs some smarts and some style (see above photo, we think his mother picked the outfit out!). And possibly a better face.

Here is where you are going to argue that he is a quarterback and quarterbacks are smart because they remember plays. Though that may be true, we don’t think this really applies to Peyton. His public speaking makes us think otherwise.

So, sorry Peyton Manning. Not only did you loose the Super Bowl this year, have a girls’ name and your mother picked out your outfit for the above picture, but you are our first JUNK!